Stop Spiraling: 5 Steps to Address Dating Anxiety for Good
If you’ve ever felt anxious before a date, you’re not alone.
Dating anxiety is a common form of anxiety that can lead to racing thoughts before a date, replaying conversations or interactions after a date, or overthinking about whether the person is the “right” person for you. Dating anxiety can stem from a fear of rejection, which may result in avoiding or canceling plans to avoid disappointment, even if you liked the person and enjoyed yourself while going out.
If you can relate to any of these symptoms or experiences, I want you to know that you are not crazy or broken. Allow me to share some insight with you that provides a neurological explanation for the thoughts and emotions you may be experiencing.
Anxiety, in any form, is a nervous system response. Your brain naturally detects risks and tries to protect you from them through overthinking or physiological symptoms like fast heart rate, rapid breathing, muscle tension which are meant to protect you physically if needed.
When it comes to dating, you may think, “Where’s the risk?” But going on a date with someone, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, and being courageous to begin a relationship takes a lot of risk. Anytime you open yourself up to someone, you’re taking the risk of being rejected. Even if you’re not in physical danger, when you experience dating anxiety, it’s because your brain is detecting social risk where rejection can feel like a perceived threat.
Dating anxiety is common and not a personal flaw–and naming and normalizing anxiety can reduce shame and self-criticism. If you’re ready to stop spiraling when it comes to dating, here are five steps to address dating anxiety.
Practice Compassionate Self-Talk.
The inner critic often fuels dating anxiety. Instead of letting your mind wander to all the negative “what ifs” before a date or ruminate on things that didn’t go as planned after the date, try practicing compassionate self-talk. For example, before the date, tell yourself, “It makes sense that I am anxious. Dating is vulnerable, and I can be kind to myself through this.” After the date, continue the compassionate self-talk by telling yourself, “I showed up, and that took courage.” Quieting your inner critic by speaking kindly to yourself can help calm your dating anxiety.
Practice Mindful Grounding.
Anxiety often pulls your attention to future thinking, and this future thinking is often a catastrophized version. To combat this overwhelming train of thought, practice mindful grounding, which can gently redirect your attention to the present moment. Try the 5-4-3-2-1 exercise. Take a few slow, deep breaths, look around, and identify:
5 things you can see.
4 things you can feel.
3 distinct things you can hear.
2 things you can smell.
1 thing you can taste.
The 5-4-3-2-1 exercise is something you can practice anytime to help quiet your anxiety, especially before, during, or after a date.
Be Honest with Yourself.
When dating anxiety comes, remember to be honest and clear with yourself about what’s important to you and what you’re looking for. Much of dating anxiety is based on fear of being judged and approval seeking, so instead of making yourself the center of the questions, ask yourself questions. Shift your thoughts from “Am I being liked?” to “Do I like this?” Ask “Does this align with what I want in a partner?” or “Am I able to be myself?” Shifting to a values-based reframe honors your authentic self and needs.
Normalize Vulnerability as Courage, Not Weakness.
Choosing to be vulnerable with another person is a sign of strength. During the conversation, build self-trust and resiliency through gradual authenticity. Here are a few ways to practice this:
Share one real preference.
Choose a restaurant or activity you genuinely like.
Express an honest opinion.
Set a small boundary.
Admit you’re a little nervous.
Sharing parts of yourself helps increase comfort with being seen as you are, and seeing how the other person reacts to your vulnerability will provide important information to help you decide whether to move forward with them.
Debrief the Date in a Healthy Way.
Practice a post-date mindful debrief–without the rumination. Set a timer for 10-15 minutes. Then, ask yourself some questions and journal:
What went well?
What felt vulnerable?
What story am I telling myself?
What felt aligned with who I am?
Where did I override myself?
What would honoring myself look like next time?
Questions like this can encourage self-reflection and growth without rumination.
The next time you experience dating anxiety, be patient with yourself, and practice these five steps to address dating anxiety for good.
If this post resonated with you, getting support around dating anxiety may be helpful to explore or process underlying deeper issues that may be contributing to your dating anxiety. You can inquire here for an appointment to unpack your symptoms and experiences further.
My blog posts are not a replacement for therapy, and the information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. The information in my blog posts is general information for educational purposes only and is not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. Please consult your physician or mental health provider regarding advice or support for your health and well-being.
If you are in crisis, please call your local 24-hour crisis hotline or 911. I am not able to respond to comments or answer questions about your specific situation online. If you are interested in working together, please inquire about appointment availability here. I am licensed to work with clients in Maine and Connecticut.
